I had planned to share that last love letter that I wrote to my mom but it seems to be lost. Forever.

The site that I posted it on back in 2014 is now extinct and apparently there’s no way to recover my post. I searched everywhere for a printed copy and then I searched the laptop that I wrote it on, my external hard drive, my entire archive of emails, and all the jump drives I can find (but I’m sure that there are more jump drives somewhere. Probably hanging out with all the scrunchies I’ve ever owned and socks from the dryer).

It’s gone.

I keep trying to think of some other place to look for it but I have run out of ideas. Unless somebody happened to print it and save it for 4+ years, it’s definitely gone. I’m pretty sad about it. I cried a lot yesterday but right in the middle of my crying spell the bff texts me. It’s like she knows. She’s so weird. Anyway, I think I’m just going to have to deal with it. **sigh**

I declare today Womp Womp Wednesday.

The little bit of good news is that in my search, I found a Jurassic Word Document that I had to turn in for a class. It has stats and details from my blog, Spinning Plates and it has some of the posts. Not the one I was looking for but some that I enjoyed reading.

I want to share one of those posts with you (it’s actually the post from this day, seven years ago) but first I have to give you a brief background.

At the time I wrote this particular entry The Boy was <1, LadyBug was 14, I was working full time, going to school part time, and my professor had declared that not only did we have to create a blog and write at least once a week but WE HAD TO SHARE OUR WRITING WITH OTHER HUMANS. It terrified me. So, I had a heart attack.

Not really.

I was sure it was a heart attack but the EKG disagreed with my professional opinion. The doctor basically said that I was stressed out but fine for the time being. She suggested I find a way to release some stress and that blog became a great way for me to do that. I found that it is a lot easier to share your writing when you don’t have to sit there waiting for the person to finish reading it. (Awkward!) I also found that humans, my humans anyway, are pretty great. Gentle and warm and supportive. Those are some of my favorite qualities in humans! And also bras.

I hope you like this one!

This Too Shall Pass  Originally published September 12, 2011 on http://www.thespin.blog.com

Usually Monday’s are terrible but after Friday’s excitement I was ready to get back to a little bit of normalcy. Ready for my family to stop looking at me like I might spontaneously combust at any moment. Ready for the teenager to quit worrying about me. Although it was nice to have her be so sweet to me for a whole weekend!

Don’t get me wrong. She is a wonderful child! But she’s a teenager. She rolls her eyes at me on a daily basis. I know that she loves me but its hard for two people who are so much alike to get along. And she is JUST like me. (I don’t know how people put up with me.) If she wasn’t so cute I would have sold her to the Gypsies a long time ago.

This weekend was different though. After I explained to her why I was in the hospital and what the doctors said, she seemed fine. She listened to everything I had to say and made a very sweet gesture of refilling my water glass and straightening my blankets. Then she went about her business as usual.

It wasn’t until she had been asleep for a couple hours and I was reading “Three Cups of Tea” that I hear her climbing out of her loft bed (unfortunately the entire neighborhood can hear her climbing out of that damn bed). She walked into my room all sweaty, sniffling and covered with tears and looked at me with a face that I haven’t seen since the last time I had to check for monsters under her bed. I instantly knew that she had a bad dream and she needed mommy to make it all better.

Yes, you read that correctly. My big tough teenager NEEDED MOMMY (that’s me) to make it all better! In the few seconds that I looked into those big teary eyes (with THE longest eyelashes in the world) I saw the tiny curly headed little girl that needed me so many times. I could almost feel me scooping her up into my arms and holding her tight, giving her noonie (noonie = rubbing her very softly with just the tips of my fingernails) and singing to her until all was right with the world again. I could ALMOST feel…oh wait…uhhhhhh…she’s climbing into my bed…she’s flopped on top of me!…Oh God…when did she get so enormous????

And there she laid with her big pointy elbow in my spleen, gently sobbing. Well, she’s a teenager and I’ll take her lovin’s any way I can get it.

Then she told me all about her bad dream. It was terrible. She said I was dropping her off at school and when she turned around to wave goodbye I was passed out. She called 911 and when they got there (instantly because there’s no traffic in dreams), they told her I was dead and took me away from her. Forever.

By the time she got to this part OF COURSE I’m sobbing too. She never showed that she was THAT worried. She listened to everything I told her. She was bummed when I said we weren’t going to the football game. She didn’t have any questions. So why was she so distraught now? Because she’s JUST like me. She keeps all her worries (SO many worries) inside until they’re bigger than her and come bursting out of her seams (or perhaps has a pretend heart attack).

We had a great talk about how I love her so. I promised to take better care of myself so that I will be around for her and the boy for a long, long time. I told her that she needs to learn to let go of some of her worries too because this situation seems very big and oppressive right now but “this too shall pass”. Everything does. When you’re so heartbroken that you think SURELY the sun is not going to rise tomorrow – it does. It just keeps on shining, taking us to one day after another. And each day that big oppressive weight on your shoulders gets a little bit lighter. I told her that one day (many MANY years from now) when I do leave her that the sun will keep shining until it doesn’t hurt so much and she will be just fine because everything I’ve ever told her is inside her somewhere and when she needs it most or when she least expects it, she will hear my voice and smile.

And then we both smiled.

She squished me for a little bit longer and then I sent her back to bed. And then I took my own advice. I let go of SOME of my worries about her. She’s going to be just fine. WE are going to be just fine.

Tonight she came out to kiss me goodnight after her shower and asked “What do I smell like?” (our nightly ritual) I sniffed her and said “Smelllllls liiiiiike……Guacamole!”

“MOM!” She giggled and rolled those big ol’ brown eyes. But that’s okay. The eye rolling, the sass, the skinny jeans – They too shall pass.