I have a folder in my Gmail named “Read on Bad Days” and it is exactly what it sounds like. When I’m having a bad day at work, or just a bad day in general, I open this folder and just start reading.

It has emails from lots of different people: birthday wishes, thank yous, silly poems. There’s one from my boss thanking me for making her look good. There’s an old love letter from Big Love, back when we had time to be in love, promising me that he was going to hold me in his arms and tell me he loved me every single day. There’s another email from a coworker that has become dear to me in only five months. She just wanted to let me know that she cares. She said that when she doesn’t know what to do for someone she always prays, “Let me hold them up to the light and see what shines through.”

How wonderful is that? I have a whole folder of reminders that there are so many people holding me up to the light. I’ve been reading that folder a LOT lately. Most of the time that lifts my spirits enough to get through the rough patch. Fix the divot. Patch the hole. Right what’s wrong in me.

But sometimes it’s just not enough.

I have a lot on my plate right now. A lot of worries about people I love and a lot of worries about me. I had a visit with the rheumatologist last week that gave me answers that I didn’t want to hear. I guess I should be thankful that I got some answers at all because now I can make a plan to be healthier. I’m not thankful, though. I’m a lot of things but not thankful. Not yet. I’ll be thankful later.

Right now, I’m mad that I can’t just take a pill or have a surgery and make it all better. I’m mad that Ladybug is getting all the same answers! I’m mad at myself for feeling sorry for myself when there are bigger things looming in the not too distant future. I’m mad that it’s 2020 and there’s STILL no cure for cancer! I’m mad that time just keeps ticking no matter how badly I need it to pause. I’m mad that sometimes the thing that can give you more time steals the reasons why you want more! I’m mad that humans aren’t kinder to each other. And I’m mad that some promises are too hard to keep.

And I’m sad, so very sad, because there’s nothing I can do to change any of those things.

No amount of loving and uplifting emails is going to change any of it but still I read them every day. Hoping that some of the love and kindness that was sent in them will shine through me, carry me along a little longer.

I think we all should have a folder like that, full of things that will make you smile even if just for a few minutes. And I hope that if you go and make a Read On Bad Days folder you will stick this in it because I know what’s wrong with you.

I see you posting uplifting memes on FaceBook that you know your friend needs to see. But you need to see it, too! I see you carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders and still trying to help your friends carry theirs. I see you offering help but never asking. I know we all have obstacles to overcome but we don’t have to do it alone. Even when we literally have to do it alone we can still cheer each other on and hold each other up to the light. We can be strengthened by helping others be strong.

I know there are days when you feel like nothing you do is going to be enough but you keep going anyway. You just keep going.

I know what’s wrong with you because it’s the same thing that’s wrong with me.

Life is heavy.

Every single one of us has a load to carry. Sometimes it’s not bad at all. Sometimes it feels like you are breaking. Those are the times that you have to hold tight to the people pulling for you. Read all the memes with the pretty pictures and save them to a special folder on your phone (I have one of those, too.) or screenshot the texts from your friends saying “You got this.” Because you do.

And I do, too.

I don’t really believe that yet but I’ll keep saying it until I do. Tell yourself it’s going to be alright and listen to others when they tell you. The words won’t change anything but they can keep you going until you really are alright.

And I will like all the memes you keep posting for both of us. I’ll post some for you, too. I’ll read my “Read On Bad Days” emails and I will tell myself, “See, Regina??? You’re awesome! Everything is going to be alright.”

You should tell yourself that, too. If you can’t, then hear me when I tell you.

You are awesome. Everything is going to be alright.